What up, folk –
It’s been a while since I’ve put anything in this little blog space. I don’t have any excuse other than just flat out laziness or anxiety induced writer’s block brought on by an extended stay on America’s Unemployment Line. But nothing makes the worry monster go away, except in my Dad’s case, like writing so hopefully I’ll be a little looser after I complete this…considering the subject matter for this blog perhaps that was a horrific choice of phrase. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about his visit to the doctor, as awful as they can be at times it is wholly necessary to make those visits, especially as we get older to make sure all the internal “I’s” are dotted and “T’s” are crossed. Seems that the older we get the more invasive these visits seem to get and his invasive visit sounded a bit like one that I had not too long ago.
It was doctor day; I hadn’t had a physical in over a year so I figured that I needed to get on it and make sure that everything was in working order. I only had two real concerns as far as my health was concerned so I didn’t plan to be in there for an awful long time at all. Get in, do paperwork, swipe the credit card, medical procedures, get out the door and go to work. Simple. My appointment was at 9:30am; I made it a point to get there early so that I could take care of any paperwork and shake off any of the nervous doctor visit butterflies before going in for my appointment. I don’t mind the doctor but there’s always something unsettling about going in there, all those needles, the feeling that they know something about you that you don’t. It’s all very unsettling but today was a good day, I wasn’t overly nervous at all to tell the truth. I got there about ten minutes after nine and was happy to find out that I didn’t need to do any paperwork; all I had to do was sign in, pay, and wait my turn. At about ten minutes to ten (didn’t I just say my appointment was at 9:30am?) the nurse called for me to come on back. I put down the September issue of Car and Driver with the bad ass 500 HP Ford Mustang on the cover (I’m a Mustang guy) and slow strolled to the back to give that last nervous doctor butterfly some time to flutter away. Thirty seconds later I was in the exam room, first the blood pressure, normal; then the heart rate, normal; then the whole go to the bathroom and pee in the cup thing, seal it up and put it in the metal compartment in the wall, piece of cake. When I got back in the exam room the next orders were to strip from the waist up for the EKG to make sure my heart was ticking okay…
Skrappy’s Note: I was told that they were going to do an EKG so I was forbidden to put on any lotion before I left the house. Man, when I took my shirt off the level of ashyness was off the charts! First order of business when I got outta that joint was to go home and put some lotion on immediately
… and fortunately the ticker is just fine. Put the shirt back on and go down the hall for X rays, piece of cake. Got back to the exam room after the X Rays and was given the orders to strip naked and put on the flimsy doctor issued gown. The nurse left the room and I commenced the stripping and before long I was in the room with nothing on but a decorative piece of paper. There’s nothing that makes you feel less a man than standing in the middle of the room with a gown on that is fully open in the back that effectively lets the draft from the air vents wisp up your butt crack. To prevent the whole cool air on the booty thing I held the back of the gown closed and then hopped up on the table where I’d have to be anyway when the Doc came in.
About 4 or 5 minutes later in comes the good Doc; I like dude, he ain’t the manliest guy on the planet but he’s funny as all get out and has a way of putting me at ease about stuff. He shook my hand and asked me how my back was since that was the reason for my last visit, then sat in the big chair in the corner and started asking questions…
Doc: “Any back pain lately”
Skrap: Nah, not really. I’m good in that respect.
Doc: “Anything you wanna share”
Skrap: “I think I’m all good, just needed to get this physical and make sure everything is in order.”
Doc: “That sounds good”
So we make with the doctor/patient small talk while he goes through the minor stuff, he checks my reflexes, takes my blood pressure again, still normal; we talk about the Falcons (he’s not a big fan of football) and the Thrashers (luckily he likes hockey). He goes through the whole “are you married yet? Are you gonna get married ever?” thing and I have to explain that long ordeal to him. He says that he’s not ever getting married; in fact he hasn’t dated anyone since med school. I’m thinking to myself that Doc is being really talkative today, he talks normally but today he’s REALLY talking and I’d soon learn why. He explained to me that I’d need to go down the street to get my blood drawn for all the other testing that was to be done on me so after I left that building I could go down the road and get that done….
“…but there’s one more test that needs to be done here”
See, I knew it was coming, right, but you kinda hope to yourself that part will get skipped or that they’ll save it for another time but such was not the luck of Skrap on this day.”We’ve gotta check your prostate out before you get out of here.” Last time I was at the doctor I made a brief comment in passing wondering if that was going to be necessary on that particular visit which to my joy it was not but not so on this physical day.
Doc: “Have you ever had this done before”
Skrap: *dejectedly* “Yeah”
Doc: “Okay, so you know it’s a load of fun, right?”
Skrap: “Absolutely, Fun unlimited.”
Doc: ” I apologize in advance…”
I understood that he wanted to make me aware of exactly what was going on but I could have done without the play by play
Doc: “First the hand, a little gel, and you’re going to feel a little pressure…again, I apologize in advance.” (Guys reading this feel free to squeeze your butt cheeks in horror) After the longest 9-10 seconds in the history of man I was finally free of the finger.
Have you ever seen those movies where a woman has been violated and all she can do is pull the covers up so far that all you can see is her eyes; that was how I felt. I’d just gotten the altar boy treatment, it was gonna take a minute for me to get myself together. Doc told me that he’d have all my results from the lab in about a week and that he’d let me know if anything was out of the ordinary; asked if I had any other questions or comments before he left and upon my answer, no, he bid me a good day and left the room. I got dressed quickly and rolled on out of there to get my bloodwork done down the block.
Someone is going to HAVE to figure out a better way to check a man’s prostate health because that, my friends is not fun. I know that I’ll get no sympathy from any ladies who read this blog because women are probed unmercifully during every doctor visit but please, allow me my moment to grieve my lost innocence. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to schedule a counseling session with my Pastor.
~thanks for reading 🙂