Real Relationship Advice: Vol. 1

As always I’mma try and keep it light in here for a Friday. We all got stuff planned for the weekend and we don’t need to clutter our thoughts of fun with a blog about the government shutting down, or the fight for abortion rights, or the dwindling value of the dollar; it’s likely I wouldn’t write about any of that stuff anyway but you see the point I’m making here.

In the blogosphere there are three main categories that get the most run: Gossip, Fashion, and Relationships. If you want to be noticed you’re going to have to write and write well in one of those categories or else you’re basically taking up valuable server space, sort of like I am with this random stream of consciousness blog that you’re reading now. Because everyone out there doesn’t like hearing stories about a dude and his friends nearly burning down his apartment or about Black folks’ penchant for naming their children some real bullsh*t, I have to dabble into the relationship arena in an effort to keep my little corner of the internet viable; little things like how the vowels in someone’s name determines if I’ll date them or about how a mighty vagina goes a long way in society. So today I’ll offer some relationship advice of my own; like most relationship advice that is offered out there it is a good chance that you already know what I’m about to tell you, but since that doesn’t stop you from reading Steve Harvey’s books, go ahead and keep reading.

Most men are messy by nature. Unless you’re dealing with an anomaly or one of these new millennium metrosexual types that are borderline chick, the man you know and love takes pride in his ability to keep everything where he likes it – what you like to call junky or messy. The average man’s house has to reach critical status before reaching the point that he says, “you know what, I can’t trip over that pile of clothes on the floor in the kitchen one more day; I have to clean up.” The only other thing that makes us want to clean up is when our women come through because women’s desire to cuddle and show affection seems to be directly tied to your surroundings and as much as we think that those dishes can stay in the sink one more day, we’d better wash them before you get there if we want you to be halfway amorous. So when our women get to the house they see a sparkling domicile, the clothes, both dirty and clean, are no longer on the floor or the couch, the golf clubs are no longer taking up residence in the foyer or the living room, and the 13 empty water bottles are no longer on the nightstand…

…because all that ish was thrown in the closet 2 minutes before you rang the doorbell.

That’s why it’s very important that a woman never look in a man’s closet. Assuming that you’re not buried under the avalanche of dirty clothes and porn upon opening the closet door, what you see there will forever change the way you see your man. It will both shock and horrify you and make you reconsider if you really want to spend another day with us.

How long does a sock have to stay dirty before it gets stiff?

What was that damp rag in the corner used for?

Did I just see that shirt move? WHAT’S UNDER THAT SHIRT?!

Is that moss?

A pizza box? Really? A pizza box in the closet?

If you don’t want to ask any of these questions then it is the advice of this lowly blogger that you never open the closet door in your dude’s bedroom, in the hallway, or anywhere else a contractor would think to put a closet in a home. It is a deep dark place resistant of light and makes you believe again as you did as a child that there is a monster that lives in there. It conjures images of a Scooby Doo mystery, Velma and Daphne appear from behind the suit hanging in the back looking for the keys to the Mystery Machine, bats flutter about and a howl emanates from that dusty pair of shoes in the corner.

They probably shot the Thriller video in here.

So if you get to your man’s house and it’s inexplicably clean, bed is made, and not a shred of anything is out of place don’t ask any questions, just appreciate the cleanliness. Never mind the fact that he is sweating and breathing hard like he’s just been throwing stuff around last minute, just…just appreciate the clean and don’t ask any questions, dammit! And for goodness sake don’t open the closet; you don’t know how hard it was to close that thing after we threw everything in there.

See, this is relationship advice you can use. Practical, everyday advice that if heeded can keep you and your man happy, not to mention keeping you from blunt force trauma due to flying items knocking your nosy ass in the head!

Have a great weekend, everybody! Have a blast wherever you are!

~thanks for reading 🙂

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Categories: Humor, Relationships, So Incredibly Random | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Real Relationship Advice: Vol. 1

  1. Like the blog. Although I’m kind of a neat freak due to how my mom raised us. She would say “You never know who will pop up so always have your house presentable.” So I wouldn’t have to stuff things into a closet when the female showed up (laughing).

  2. Cornelia Parks

    If the truth be told our closets are not the best place to peek into either.

    so when you speak of closets whether hypothetical or physical they always are hiding something, and I know you will let me know if I didnt use the right explaination for this.LOL Love Mom

  3. Thanks, Mom…Was really talking about physical closets with doorknobs on this go ’round. Those hypothetical closets are a whole other blog for another day. Thanks for coming by, Love ya!

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