You Really Don’t Know Your Friends

Hey all! I have about 900 friends on Facebook; I guess that’s a decent enough number of people even though friends are likely the people that you have programmed in your phone as contacts and not the random cat that you met at a party who sent you a request to be friends the following day. While making some changes to the ol’ Facebook abode the other day I realized that in actuality I have about 550 friends; I came to this number when I saw how many split personality friends I have on board. It’s likely that you have a couple of these people too; I’m willing to bet  on that.

The split personality friend starts off as one person; we’ll call this person Sally. You’ve known her for years, she friends you and then you begin the process of vicariously living through one another’s lives via the internet. You look at her pictures of her vacation cruise and the pictures of her 8 year old starring as a tree in the school play, she provides a cool word of inspiration on Mondays likely piggybacking off something her Pastor said the day before, and she’s always good for a cool YouTube link of that song that was popular when you were both struggling in Miss Thompson’s algebra class in 10th grade. She’s one of those people that you genuinely look forward to seeing what they come up with next on their profile page. Then one day you log into Facebook and your “Friend Request” icon is lit, you naturally get excited because you’re about to get an uptick in your friend number; you click the icon to see who from your past has found you; only to see that you have a friend request from “Salsoprettysofreshsoclean Youknowyouwantit”. Of course you don’t have any mutual friends except for that one guy on your list that accepts friend requests (and Facebook viruses) from anyone that sends them. You have no Earthly idea who this person is or where they come from, the only picture they have on the page is some silhouette of the body they wish they had or whatever animal they think most describes their character, usually some kind of jungle cat.

Note: Funny how no one ever chooses an elephant, or rhinoceros, or maybe even a Velociraptor, they’re fierce right?

Most people simply delete the request or just let the request sit there and collect cobwebs but people like me, the nosy type, will send a message to Salsoprettysofreshsoclean Youknowyouwantit along the lines of: “Dear Person – Who the hell are you?” then about 15 minutes later you get “LOL, this is Sally, I needed a Facebook account for all of my real thoughts that I didn’t want my fellow choirmembers, family, or fellow PTA parents to read so I created this account.” You think its silly but you accept the friend request and cruise the profile page and its something out of a fetish hobbyist’s wet dream. Sweet little Sally has friends named “Juicy Splashwaterfalls Jones” and “Milesdeepinya Watson” and “Star Makeyouclimbthewallz”, and you see that she’s attending the Mega Orgy Fest at the Hilton downtown on December 11th

Note: This is fiction, don’t all go running down to the Hilton on December 11th asking about the Mega Orgy Fest.

…as well as being a member of groups like Booty Wobblers of the Dirty South and Cucumbers, Popsicles, and All Things Phallic. You open another internet window and bring up Sally’s “friendly” page and you see the profile picture she took with her new puppy and her Mother’s Day photos and the all the pictures from the Single’s Conference at her church…then you click the other page and see the leather paddles, the erotic “poetry” and her status message 30 minutes ago about how she had to go to the restroom at work and “rub one out to make it through the afternoon” then you wonder…damn, how well do I really know Sally?

Now, I completely know the purpose behind making a page like this. You simply can’t have everybody in your business, especially business of such a, umm, sensitive nature. However, it seems that with the advent of social networking people have lost their filters and have to let somebody, anybody, know what they are thinking all the time regardless of subject matter and while there is nothing completely wrong with putting info out there, damn, leave a little bit out there for people to imagine, save some of the mystery, would you? I’d like to think someone wants to find out that you liked to be spanked lightly – or heavily – in a private moment rather than in a status message broadcast to your 747 “friends” – though I’m pretty sure that friend “Spankuallnight Sims” on your friend list will appreciate you putting it out there.

Personally, one page is good enough for me, I don’t think it harms the fragile sensibilities of my fellow choirmembers on my page that I’m overly silly, love rock music, and that I have a severe weakness for women in sundresses and strappy sandals – Wait, that visual…gotta take a second…hold please…

**Cheesy 70’s porn music plays in the background**

…okay, like I was saying, if you’re gonna put it out there go ahead and do it on one page. Hiding it under the guise of another name on another page is only denying a part of who you obviously are. Daggonit, if you like nude beaches, going on the occasional vodka binge and refer to your boyfriend in public as Daddy Wigglesworth or your girl as Mistress Stiletto McPhee then do it on your page as your real friends deserve to know who you are too.

And plus you’re hogging up internet bandwidth with that extra page and that’s just rude.

~thanks for reading  🙂

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Categories: Humor, So Incredibly Random | Tags: , , , | 16 Comments

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16 thoughts on “You Really Don’t Know Your Friends

  1. Jeniece Isley

    Hilarious!! I never knew that people actually made two pages. Here I thought those stupid middle name changes were bad…Michael “IMakeItRainOnThursdaysforQuartersandI’mWinning” Johnson…

  2. Jeniece…thanks for coming by! Yeah, people are pretty good for the multiple page thing and to each their own…I’m just a proponent for not hiding…if you’re that dude or that chick then BE that dude or that chick…your Moms deserves to know! 🙂

  3. I’m feeling you sweetie some of the names are just stupid. Folk get offendedn by my post, those how are know they are more than welcome to roll out. Im too old to be bothered with other folks sensitivities.

    • Michelle…thanks again for stopping by, hon…that’s my thing! I mean, it’s who you are right? By hiding behind another personality you’re either saying people are too stupid to accept who you are OR that you’re self assessing that there’s something wrong with what you’re doing. Shoot, just live and if people don’t agree then they’ll leave willingly in most cases. It’s funny to me.

  4. I decline all friend requests from folks’ alter egos. It’s corny to me. A few BV people do it. No thank you, not interested.

    • Neikya…thanks for coming by…it’s always good for a few laughs, I’ll stop short of calling it corny, people just go to extreme lengths to protect their “other side”. 🙂

  5. Regina

    I know what you mean.. I have a tendency to send note to ask the person, who’s requesting to friend me, do you know me?? If I cant get an answer, I simply decline. It amazes me how people put these ridiculous names, and then go out and request people they don’t know simply because somebody you know, knows them. If its something I don’t want people to know about me, I definitely won’t go onto a social network to talk to others about it.. Well said Skrap….

    • Regina…thanks for coming by…not really an issue with the names, it’s just the dual pages for each one of the personalities…don’t have a primary and then have a hidden one that you hide all your “nasty” in.

  6. I cannot say I’ve ever had such an experience with a friend!

  7. Kee

    LOL, I’m late catching up but this is so sad yet so funny!
    I need to go through and count up the alter egos on my friends list as well!

    • Thanks for coming by, Kee! We’ve all got those friends that are “doubling up”…I’ve got several which prolly means I have a lot of freaks for friends, just don’t tell my Mom! 🙂

  8. LaShonna Stokes

    I actually didn’t know folks did that either. Maybe I’m the person they are hiding their alter egos from. LOL. I don’t have time for two pages! I am who I am!

  9. LaShonna, thanks for coming by…true enough, I figure I just put all of me out there on one page and let people decide if they want to stay. LOL

  10. SweetPee

    Yeah I know people who do this but is that saying something about me since I know this? LOL

    Good read:-)

    • Sweetpee…thanks for stopping by! And yes, if you’ve got too many alter ego friends you might want to check the levels on your own freak scale. LOL

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