Uncovering the White People Mystery

This is my fault. All my life I’ve had White friends. At my elementary/middle school there was only 5 of me, well 4.5 of me, out of 35 in my 8th grade graduating class. Then I went to a high school that, while about 55-60% Black still offered ample opportunities for me to get answers from my White friends; I mean I had several, I played soccer for 4 years, but I never did. Then I went away to college to a school with a total enrollment of about 19,000, of which about 14,000 of those people were White. But even after 4 years, okay I’m lying, 5 years atGeorgia Southern (GATA Eagles!) I never got inroads to the mystery. In my work experience I’ve worked with countless friendly neighborhood White folk in my professional life that I could have pulled aside and asked without fear of ill thought but never took the time to inquire.

But that ends today.

Today in this blog I will get the answer to the question that I have always pondered this time every year. The question that Black folk have always wondered to ourselves when we see White people in the street from time to time. The question that is as important as those like, who is responsible for Stonehenge; or did the Hanging Gardens of Babylon really exist; or how many licks, honestly, does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop (the owl’s answer doesn’t count, he bit it). Today, the wall must come down on the secrecy, the government agenda; the DNA cover up that exists that hides the answer to the question…

Why don’t White people ever get cold?

I was downtown the other day with the temperature hovering someplace around 39. Not bone chilling, but that’s pretty cold byAtlantastandards. There was a cheerleading convention in town which meant that there were hundreds, thousands even, of girls roaming around downtown with their chaperones. That’s important because them having chaperones means that an adult was around to tell these girls to put on some daggone clothes. But nope, they all roamed happily around downtown Atlanta with their little blue, or yellow, or green, or whatever their color happened to be, shorts on making me ask the question to myself:

“Why don’t White people get cold?”

And it wasn’t just the girls because the chaperones were equally comfortable in their shorts and all the while the wind howling between the buildings downtown was at its goosebump inducing best. They all walked happily, oblivious to the temperature as I, in my shirt, sweater, and coat wondered what the hell was going on. And these weren’t Point A to Point B excursions either. They were walking in their shorts from the Convention Center to Hooters or Hard Rock Café, or just hanging out in the park; mind boggling! Then I thought to myself…

“It’s a government experiment.”

This is just an educated guess here but hear me out. In a lot of these cases when I see W.I. S. P. (Whites In Shorts Prematurely) they always couple the ensemble with long sleeves. Whatever gene mutations that the government induced in White people, to this point, only positively effects the lower halves of their bodies; that’s why you see the Ambercrombie and Fitch looking White guy in cargo shorts and sandals coupled with a Henley shirt and a ski vest in the wintertime. That took my mind back to when I was back in elementary school and my White classmates would be ready to go to our Spring uniforms in shorts while there was still frost on the ground at the morning bell. And what of this government plot? Why only White people? I have always found jeans confining and would love to be able to wear shorts in the winter but not being privy to the injections that my White brethren do, I would freeze where I stood immediately upon leaving the house. What advantages does the government want White people to have that they would only allow this for them? I thought perhaps with the introduction of Barack Obama as President of theUnited Statesthat the formula would be shared, but no dice there, plus, he’s half Black which would have made him ineligible for the serum W.I.S.P. Serum in the first place. I don’t know what to think.

But then again…there are side effects.

Think about it, White people have the decided advantage of being W.I.S.P. but then somewhere around 60 it all bounces back on them. Their experimental warmth seems to reverse trends and they get ultra cold but they can’t let anyone know that they are no longer able to be W.I.S.P. as that would kill the governmental cover up. So they all move toArizonaandSouth Florida! That way the shorts trend can continue leading no one to be suspicious.

Know that I’m onto you, White people. I’m giving you the chance to come clean on this before I go all whistleblower on you via the media outlets. All I want is the truth, nothing more. Do they start the serum treatments from birth? Is it in White people only baby food? How long does it take before you’re ready to take on winter’s chill in a pair of basketball shorts and a turtleneck? All I want is answers…and we can all be friends afterwards…promise.

In this space tomorrow we tackle the government’s decades old experiment that disengages the Black person’s ability to be quiet in a movie theater.

~thanks for reading 🙂

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Categories: Atlanta, Attempts at Seriousness, So Incredibly Random | Tags: , , , , , , | 15 Comments

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15 thoughts on “Uncovering the White People Mystery

  1. Lisa

    “They were walking in their shorts from the Convention Center to Hooters…” I just wanna know why these chaperones were taking these girls to Hooters…..??

    • Hey Lisa! (one of my absolute favorite White people on the planet!) The Hooters on Peachtree Street is always jam packed mostly because if you’re in a hotel downtown there aren’t many places that you can go to eat after a certain hour. Most of the eating spots are either really high end or closed after about 10; instead of packing up the van and putting all the cheerleaders inside for a journey to the ‘burbs, go across the street to Hooters. Problem solved. 🙂

  2. I’ve been white my entire life and I have never had this experience. I get plenty cold and you won’t find me walking around in shorts in 39 degrees! Not even in 60 degrees!

    My best friend lives in Jacksonville, Florida. Today in Jax is 80 degrees, humid and sunny. She says it’s freezing. And the woman who works in the cubicle across from me is black (a chocolate person, as she likes to call herself) and she constantly has a fan blowing directly at her while I’m bundled up in extra socks and a sweater.

    I think maybe it’s more of a “white people you’ve met” thing than a white people thing. lol

    • Thanks for coming by Renee (my literary fellow White person *smile*) Perhaps that’s the case but these aren’t people that I necessarily know personally. I’d say it was a Georgia thing but I’ve seen it elsewhere. In fact, I’ve seen it enough to think that it was a conspiracy of some sort…thus the blog. 🙂

      • I guess I just never noticed because I’m always surrounded by people who are cold (white and black!).

        But you may be wrong. It’s not so much that they don’t get cold as it is they are too stupid to dress correctly. My boyfriend wants me to turn the heat on in the house when it’s 50 or 60 outside (sometimes 70) because it’s a bit chilly inside and he’s too stupid to not run around in nothing but a pair of shorts (no socks, no long pants, no shirt).

  3. JT the Original Soulbrotha Supreme

    I eagerly await the explanation for this one. Granted, I’m the rare Black cat who doesn’t get cold until it hits about 30-something degrees – he, don’t judge me. But being that I work on Forsyth Street near the Rialto and Broad Street where numerous Ga. State students hustle bustle lunch and do whatever else they do, I am privy to see this phenomenon year-round. Its never uncommon during the COLD, I said COLD, winter months when we dip into the 40’s-30’s during the day, never uncommon for me to see some of those kids with a hoody on… WITH THE HOOD ON, shorts, usually really thin nylon gym shorts, but big and baggy and sandals or flip flops. Now, I enjoy wearing flip flops in the summer just as much as anybody else who wears them but my toes get cold in the cold air so I ONLY wear em in the summer. I’m amazed at folks who can run around in the chilly air with their toes exposed.
    So, whatever government experiment is going on…I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!

  4. JT the Original SoulBrotha Supreme

    Renee, you’re truly the exception because I see this all of the time.

  5. Potter

    It because us white people have thicker blood. Unfortunately, this thicker blood is the reason why all run slow and cannot jump.

  6. Falling the hell out, thanks for clearing that up for me. I look forward to tomorrows explaination as well.

  7. Sarah

    LOL @Potter. This is indeed a mystery. In my office (which is small and all white), I get cold easily and one of my co-workers is always hot. This makes me ponder a gender difference between white women and white men. Maybe women get cold easier than men. How this applies to your cheerleaders, I don’t know. Maybe they were in town from somewhere for a convention. If you’re from Minnesota, where it’s 20 below zero, 29 degrees probably feels toasty and fun!

    • Nope…it was regional which meant that all the little ponytailed White girls were from somewhere in the southeast which meant they should have been cold. But maybe a team from Indiana or Ohio snuck in there? Who knows?

  8. YOU…are hilarious. Unfortunately, I guess I have more white blood in my veins than I realized because, in my world, I’m the one who seems to never be cold while all of my friends and colleagues (who are all non-black except for 1-1/2) are not only cold but usually teeth-chattering cold. With that said, when you find out the answer, you let me know. 😀

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