Dear Citizens of Houston:
Hello friends, I bring you greetings from the proud, oft traffic snarled, city of Atlanta. I wanted to reach out to you this week because I’ve been to Houston several times over the last 20 years or so and I like you guys, a lot actually. I needed to alert you that although you’re experiencing beautiful late January weather, a storm is coming your way. If you still yourself and lean your good ear to the east you’ll hear the faint sound of suitcases zipping shut, vehicle engines starting, and the faint strains of “Weee ready…Weee ready…Weee ready for y’all…” drifting in on an afternoon breeze. It is a storm dressed in red and black, an Iceman its leader, and a bird of prey its symbol. We are indeed ready; it is the intent of this letter writer to make sure that the fair city of Houston is ready as well. Below you will find a number of items that I hope will prove helpful for the onslaught, I mean, arrival of Atlanta residents to your fair city.
1. Don’t Believe The Hype
What sports pundits and media types would have you believe is Atlanta does not have any supportive fans. Nothing could be further from the truth. Atlanta fans are the Cicadas of American sports enthusiasts, lurking in vocal support here locally in Atlanta waiting for one of their teams to be good enough to emerge and sing their praises loudly to the nation outside of the city walls. And when that time happens the Atlanta fan emerges, in force, and comes for everything you love. This isn’t a homogeneous horde, Atlanta fans are all ages, shades and colors, it’s a Trump cabinet member’s nightmare. This is the group that, at this very moment is packing and ready to head west in force. Ask anyone that was in Miami in 1999, you might as well have taken down the Ocean Drive street sign and replaced it with Peachtree Street. It will happen again with your Main Street. Once T.I. announced a concert everybody pretty much planned to abandon Atlanta and head your way.
2. Party On
This Super Bowl is between the Patriots, the dark lords of the NFL, and the Atlanta Falcons. The former goes to the Super Bowl every two years, the latter goes every two decades. Know this; no one can party like Atlanta parties. The main reason most people relocate to our fair city is because they came to visit, went to a party, thought about their horrific existence in whatever city they came from, and immediately started looking for moving companies and jobs in the local market. Football is obviously king here in the South; you haven’t the slightest idea how much pent up partying is churning inside us ATLiens right now since the last time the Falcons played for the ultimate prize. There has been talk here of reviving the legendary street party, Freaknik, since it disappeared somewhere around 1995. 2017 should see its reappearance all up and through those Houston streets. Atlantans blasting Outkast and Bonecrusher from rental car stereo speakers on their way to bars, clubs, restaurants and god knows where else in order to spend money they know good and well needs to be put on Lil’ Junior’s class trip to Lookout Mountain (or wherever). My only prayer is that Houston PD has a good traffic plan on deck. While we’re on the subject of nights on the town…
3. Become A Stripper and Retire
Look, professional pole twirling might not be your ideal lot in life. You’re probably sitting there looking at your framed diplomas and advanced degrees from Texas A&M or Prarie View A&M or University of Houston thinking, “I could never do something like that.”
Listen to me…
Dudes in Atlanta went to their first strip club on average at age 16. Younger than that if there was an uncle that worked the door or an auntie that your Mama didn’t like too much that was a “server” there. Dudes from Atlanta judge the cities they travel to oft times based on nothing more than the quality of the shoe establishments in your city. You should never engage a man from Atlanta in conversation regarding strip clubs unless you have at least 45 minutes to spare, that’s how many stories we each have. I’m willing to guarantee that every Falcon fan man on his way to Houston for the game has already Googled everything from “Best Strip Clubs in Houston” to “Where to see asses thrown in circles in H-Town”.
And that’s where your retirement plan comes in.
Regardless of what happens this weekend, the clubs are going to be packed; packed with men from out of town away from their wives/girlfriends/boos for 3-4 days with money in their pockets to burn. That’s a given, we’ve established that.
But. If. The. Falcons. Win.
After the initial frolicking, screaming, joyous weeping and hugs from the Red And Black Nation, the first thought on the minds of happy Falcons everywhere will be…“Booty”. If I had to venture a guess, Falcon fans will then spend approximately the gross national product of Grenada at whatever shoe modeling establishment is nearby.
Your student loans, your credit card debt, your car payments can all be a memory in a weekend. Well, maybe not your student loans, but definitely the other two. Don’t let your pride or your dress size get in the way of your financial breakthrough. If Atlanta pulls this off, EVERYBODY in the club going home rich. I kid..sorta.
So, Houston, I do hope this helps and that your hosting of the Super Bowl goes off without a hitch. We Atlantans will, as we tend to do, do what we can to make things festive. If you see one of us in the street, shout out a hearty “Wassup, Shawty!” and ask which way to the party. As long as you’re not a Patriot fan and you like Outkast they’ll likely let you tag along.