Atlanta

A Chipper Jones Inspired Sermon…

Boston Red Sox v Atlanta BravesThis sermon brought to you by the fact that I’m an Atlanta Braves fan, a life long Baptist church member, and that I have far too much idle time on my hands once I get off work some evenings.

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**organ music plays**

Brothers and sisters, earlier this evening we got the news that our beloved brother Chipper Jones of our once great but now mightily struggling Atlanta Braves was an overwhelming pick to be one of four new members of baseball’s 2018 Hall of Fame class. Brother Chipper manned third base, the hot corner, for the majority of his 19-year career in major league baseball, all of which was spent with the Atlanta Braves.

[A tambourine shakes in the congregation]

Brother Jones was the #1 pick in the 1990 Major League draft and after spending some time in the minor leagues came to Atlanta in 1995 and became an instant star. Now I can go on and on about how the Lord blessed Chipper with the ability to hit with equal skill from the left or right side of the plate – even though everyone knows he had more pop from the left side.

[AMENS from the congregation]

We could talk about his .364 batting average that won him a batting title or his 1999 National League MVP

[“SAY IT, PREACHA!”, from the Deacon on the 2nd Row]

Or we could talk about how the Lord used him to systematically and oft times single-handedly dismantle the Satan-led tribe called the New York Mets.

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Categories: Atlanta, Religion, Sports | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

You Won’t Ruin My Panther Time!

Black Panther

I need to first specify before I even get started here that I love my people. In my somewhat – okay – completely biased opinion, Black people make the planet great. Without us seasoning this place, the world would be a big spinning globe of tofu and regular-ass Kellogg’s Corn Flakes; that said, without us the world would also be a tad bit quieter, which is why I’m going to see Marvel’s Black Panther in the whitest theater in the whitest community I can find.

Unless you’ve been locked away in a dark room plotting alongside Donald Trump and Skeletor on how to finally claim Castle Grayskull, you all know that Black Panther, which hits theaters on February 16th, has caused cinema fanaticism not seen since, well, pretty much ever based on the advance ticket sales which far exceeds the number sold for any Marvel movie so far. However, having been Black all my life and going to the movies a time or 200, I know how we get down at the movies for a regular ol’ movie. This flick will up that ante a whole bunch.

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Fear The Walking Atlanta Sports Fan

falcon-zombie

I was slow to warm to the show The Walking Dead initially. It seemed nothing more than an honorable band of individuals exhibiting feats of bravery and brutality while staving off the flesh-thirsty zombie horde out to make a meal of their arms, legs, or whatever other body parts their rapidly rotting molars could sink into. The show was about 3.5 seasons when I started watching and it wasn’t long before I was a fan of the show, not a hardcore fanatic – I’m not online the moment an episode ends looking for theories nor am I in the bookstores sitting cross legged in the aisles flipping through every TWD graphic novel – but a fan nonetheless. As a person that needs to have things ironed out and tied up in a nice little bow in the shows I watch, the main issue that I have with the show is that I have no idea of the origin of the show’s apocalypse, dude just woke up one day and the country was just overrun with these things out and eat and maim. For years this bothered me, even as I watched and enjoyed the twists and turns of the show, I needed to know where this virus, this plague, originated. Little did I know that the origin story was aired on Fox last Sunday night ahead of the TWD midseason premiere coming up on the February 12th.

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Atlanta Heads West…All of Us.

Atlanta Falcons Fans

Dear Citizens of Houston:

Hello friends, I bring you greetings from the proud, oft traffic snarled, city of Atlanta. I wanted to reach out to you this week because I’ve been to Houston several times over the last 20 years or so and I like you guys, a lot actually. I needed to alert you that although you’re experiencing beautiful late January weather, a storm is coming your way. If you still yourself and lean your good ear to the east you’ll hear the faint sound of suitcases zipping shut, vehicle engines starting, and the faint strains of “Weee ready…Weee ready…Weee ready for y’all…” drifting in on an afternoon breeze.  It is a storm dressed in red and black, an Iceman its leader, and a bird of prey its symbol. We are indeed ready; it is the intent of this letter writer to make sure that the fair city of Houston is ready as well. Below you will find a number of items that I hope will prove helpful for the onslaught, I mean, arrival of Atlanta residents to your fair city.

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Categories: Atlanta, Sports, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | 1 Comment

It’s You, Not Me, Falcons.

It's You

**gathers all the Atlanta Falcons in a room and closes the door quietly**

You know what, guys? Enough.

No more.

I give.

I’ve been a fan of you guys for just about 34 years of my life. My Granddaddy loved y’all when you arrived in this city in 1966 until the day he left this Earth. My Dad loves y’all lamenting the woeful Falcon teams he was offered autumn after autumn… and I love y’all, honest I do, but on the real, I’m tired.

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Categories: Atlanta, Relationships, Sports | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Icemageddon Atlanta On Deck

You think for a MOMENT that Mayor of Atlanta, Kasim Reed, and Georgia Governor, Nathan Deal, are gonna chance being the butt of about a trillion more media jokes, have our city hilariously dragged by Jon Stewart on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, or have the state’s citizens lightly mocked again by Saturday Night Live? You think they’re about chancing all that mess again? Continue reading

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Grocery Stores and the Apocalypse

At this moment as I sit here in Atlanta and type to you it is 51 degrees. The sky is overcast but the day is pleasant. There is a gentle breeze blowing outside, a bird is singing its song to anyone that will listen; I can hear the dog in the backyard barking loudly at something, more than likely the bird that I just told you about. However two miles away there is another land, one brewing with worry and strife; its people are panicked and its streets are packed. That land is called Kroger. Continue reading

Categories: Atlanta, Humor, So Incredibly Random | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

10.7.13: Worst Sports Night Ever

Here Lies Atlanta Sports

I’d felt this kind of dread before. It was the icy morning of the NFC Divisional Playoff a few years ago when the Falcons hosted the Green Bay Packers in the Georgia Dome. The dread was real, palpable, and there was no doubt in my mind that the same feeling sat heavy in the consciousness of every Atlanta sports fan in this city. Murphy’s Law was likely written and conceived in the city of Atlanta and on October 7th, 2013 there were a multitude of things that could, and ultimately did go wrong. This is the recap of the single worst sports day in the history of our solar system. Continue reading

Categories: Atlanta, Humor, Sports, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Getting Older Awkwardly…

CalmOld

Getting older.

It’s something that we all have to do. As long as we continue to breathe we will continue to get older. Each minute, each hour, each day, and each year brings about something that alerts us that our bodies are, indeed, temporary. We can’t run as fast or as long as we used to. We don’t recover as quickly after a late night out with friends. It seems as though we find a new ache every couple of months; it was only a couple of days ago that I woke up and stepped out of bed and nearly collapsed because my ankle was swollen and felt sprained. Who in the world sleeps too athletically? Apparently me.  I can take all of that no sweat but one thing I can’t really deal as I’ve gotten older is my emotions. Screw my emotions, all of them. Because they are betraying me at the most inopportune times. Continue reading

Categories: Atlanta, Humor, So Incredibly Random | Tags: , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

BOGO Day at Subway – The Finale

Last I left you a couple of weeks ago the time was 3:35pm and I was standing in what looked like a Subway sandwich shop but what, in actuality, may have very well been the Twilight Zone what with all the weird things going on at that point. If you’re just joining us you can read HERE, HERE, and HERE to get caught up. And now…

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I laughed as I took a look at the clock on the wall as it read 3:35 which meant that I’d been foolish enough to stand pat in line at this particular Subway for over nearly 20 minutes, 30 minutes if you count the time that I sat in the car listening to the Braves on the radio get the final three outs in their afternoon game against the Phillies. How bad must I have wanted to take advantage of Buy One, Get One Free at Subway? I guess about as bad as I wanted a hamburger from a Hardee’s that I thought was being robbed, but I digress. But there was light at the end of the tunnel because there were only two people ahead of me now. Two young men, somewhere between the ages of 18-20 if I had to guess, were standing in line in the typical ‘hood uniform of sagging shorts, nondescript plain shirts – one a white wifebeater and the other a black t shirt at least 3 sizes too big – white socks, and houseshoes. Both of them deemed it appropriate to come out of the house wearing fuzzy houseshoes. After giving them the quick once over I was doubtful that this would be a swift transaction, then once one of the young men asked the following question, I knew I should probably pull up a chair because this was going to take a while: Continue reading

Categories: Atlanta, Decatur Stories, Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

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