This sermon brought to you by the fact that I’m an Atlanta Braves fan, a life long Baptist church member, and that I have far too much idle time on my hands once I get off work some evenings.
**organ music plays**
Brothers and sisters, earlier this evening we got the news that our beloved brother Chipper Jones of our once great but now mightily struggling Atlanta Braves was an overwhelming pick to be one of four new members of baseball’s 2018 Hall of Fame class. Brother Chipper manned third base, the hot corner, for the majority of his 19-year career in major league baseball, all of which was spent with the Atlanta Braves.
[A tambourine shakes in the congregation]
Brother Jones was the #1 pick in the 1990 Major League draft and after spending some time in the minor leagues came to Atlanta in 1995 and became an instant star. Now I can go on and on about how the Lord blessed Chipper with the ability to hit with equal skill from the left or right side of the plate – even though everyone knows he had more pop from the left side.
[AMENS from the congregation]
We could talk about his .364 batting average that won him a batting title or his 1999 National League MVP
[“SAY IT, PREACHA!”, from the Deacon on the 2nd Row]
Or we could talk about how the Lord used him to systematically and oft times single-handedly dismantle the Satan-led tribe called the New York Mets.
I was slow to warm to the show The Walking Dead initially. It seemed nothing more than an honorable band of individuals exhibiting feats of bravery and brutality while staving off the flesh-thirsty zombie horde out to make a meal of their arms, legs, or whatever other body parts their rapidly rotting molars could sink into. The show was about 3.5 seasons when I started watching and it wasn’t long before I was a fan of the show, not a hardcore fanatic – I’m not online the moment an episode ends looking for theories nor am I in the bookstores sitting cross legged in the aisles flipping through every TWD graphic novel – but a fan nonetheless. As a person that needs to have things ironed out and tied up in a nice little bow in the shows I watch, the main issue that I have with the show is that I have no idea of the origin of the show’s apocalypse, dude just woke up one day and the country was just overrun with these things out and eat and maim. For years this bothered me, even as I watched and enjoyed the twists and turns of the show, I needed to know where this virus, this plague, originated. Little did I know that the origin story was aired on Fox last Sunday night ahead of the TWD midseason premiere coming up on the February 12th.
Categories: Atlanta, Humor, Sports
Tags: Atlanta, Braves, Falcons, Flames, Hawks, Patriots, Super Bowl LI, The Walking Dead, Thrashers, Winnipeg, Zombies
Dear Citizens of Houston:
Hello friends, I bring you greetings from the proud, oft traffic snarled, city of Atlanta. I wanted to reach out to you this week because I’ve been to Houston several times over the last 20 years or so and I like you guys, a lot actually. I needed to alert you that although you’re experiencing beautiful late January weather, a storm is coming your way. If you still yourself and lean your good ear to the east you’ll hear the faint sound of suitcases zipping shut, vehicle engines starting, and the faint strains of “Weee ready…Weee ready…Weee ready for y’all…” drifting in on an afternoon breeze. It is a storm dressed in red and black, an Iceman its leader, and a bird of prey its symbol. We are indeed ready; it is the intent of this letter writer to make sure that the fair city of Houston is ready as well. Below you will find a number of items that I hope will prove helpful for the onslaught, I mean, arrival of Atlanta residents to your fair city.
The rich are and stay rich for several reasons, one of the most important being that they are opportunistic. Wildly successful people have a penchant for striking when the iron is hot and rarely missing a chance to maximize on an opportunity. Timing is key when it comes to high achievement. Megastar Beyonce Knowles is a 1-A example of this, her life as we know it know is due to repeated occurrences of doing the right thing at the right time.
She had to know when to rid herself of the other two members of Destiny’s Child (a.k.a Beyonce ‘n Nem), she had to connect herself with the right guy at the right time (Jay Z) to start a family empire in addition to her singular one. And of course the perfect example of her timing that took place just over a week ago on flat screen TVs across this nation and world. Not the release of the “Formation” video and subsequent next day performance of the song at the Super Bowl that spurred joy, loathing, admiration, protests, and a spike in Red Lobster stock; this is something else.
**gathers all the Atlanta Falcons in a room and closes the door quietly**
You know what, guys? Enough.
I’ve been a fan of you guys for just about 34 years of my life. My Granddaddy loved y’all when you arrived in this city in 1966 until the day he left this Earth. My Dad loves y’all lamenting the woeful Falcon teams he was offered autumn after autumn… and I love y’all, honest I do, but on the real, I’m tired.
Categories: Atlanta, Relationships, Sports
Tags: Atlanta, Defense, deion, Falcons, Fans, football, Georgia Dome, heartbreak, New, NFL, sanders, sports, stadium
You think for a MOMENT that Mayor of Atlanta, Kasim Reed, and Georgia Governor, Nathan Deal, are gonna chance being the butt of about a trillion more media jokes, have our city hilariously dragged by Jon Stewart on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, or have the state’s citizens lightly mocked again by Saturday Night Live? You think they’re about chancing all that mess again? Continue reading
Categories: Atlanta, Humor
Tags: Atlanta, Comedy Central, ice, Jon Stewart, Kasim Reed, Nathan Deal, salt, Snow, Snowpacalypse, Storm, Winter
At this moment as I sit here in Atlanta and type to you it is 51 degrees. The sky is overcast but the day is pleasant. There is a gentle breeze blowing outside, a bird is singing its song to anyone that will listen; I can hear the dog in the backyard barking loudly at something, more than likely the bird that I just told you about. However two miles away there is another land, one brewing with worry and strife; its people are panicked and its streets are packed. That land is called Kroger. Continue reading
I’d felt this kind of dread before. It was the icy morning of the NFC Divisional Playoff a few years ago when the Falcons hosted the Green Bay Packers in the Georgia Dome. The dread was real, palpable, and there was no doubt in my mind that the same feeling sat heavy in the consciousness of every Atlanta sports fan in this city. Murphy’s Law was likely written and conceived in the city of Atlanta and on October 7th, 2013 there were a multitude of things that could, and ultimately did go wrong. This is the recap of the single worst sports day in the history of our solar system. Continue reading
Categories: Atlanta, Humor, Sports, Uncategorized
Tags: Atlanta, Atlanta Braves, Atlanta Falcons, Atlanta Flames, Atlanta Hawks, Atlanta Thrashers, MNF, NLDS, sports, worst night ever
Last I left you a couple of weeks ago the time was 3:35pm and I was standing in what looked like a Subway sandwich shop but what, in actuality, may have very well been the Twilight Zone what with all the weird things going on at that point. If you’re just joining us you can read HERE, HERE, and HERE to get caught up. And now…
I laughed as I took a look at the clock on the wall as it read 3:35 which meant that I’d been foolish enough to stand pat in line at this particular Subway for over nearly 20 minutes, 30 minutes if you count the time that I sat in the car listening to the Braves on the radio get the final three outs in their afternoon game against the Phillies. How bad must I have wanted to take advantage of Buy One, Get One Free at Subway? I guess about as bad as I wanted a hamburger from a Hardee’s that I thought was being robbed, but I digress. But there was light at the end of the tunnel because there were only two people ahead of me now. Two young men, somewhere between the ages of 18-20 if I had to guess, were standing in line in the typical ‘hood uniform of sagging shorts, nondescript plain shirts – one a white wifebeater and the other a black t shirt at least 3 sizes too big – white socks, and houseshoes. Both of them deemed it appropriate to come out of the house wearing fuzzy houseshoes. After giving them the quick once over I was doubtful that this would be a swift transaction, then once one of the young men asked the following question, I knew I should probably pull up a chair because this was going to take a while: Continue reading
Categories: Atlanta, Decatur Stories, Humor
Tags: Atlanta, BOGO, Decatur, footlong, Ronald Reagan, Sandwich, shawty, Subway, Sun Chips
IF YOU’RE A MUSIC LOVER LIKE ME there’s no better place to be than in the front row. There are few adjectives to accurately describe the energy of having your favorite musician or singer right there in person mere feet from where you sit. A few days ago I attended a show featuring one of my favorite artists, the phenomenal Frank McComb. My seat was close enough for me to rest my feet on the stage while the show was going on; it was also near enough to Mr. McComb that he heard me singing along with one of my favorite songs when he broke into it near the beginning of his set. Continue reading
Categories: Atlanta, Attempts at Seriousness, Music
Tags: Atlanta, concert, Encouragement, Fear, Frank, McComb, motivation, open mic, overcoming, percussion, sing